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Pause. Stop. Rewind. Edit. Play. Repeat as necessary.

Originally published 7/7/2012

I’ve been searching lately. Searching for meaning… Searching for purpose… Searching for something that I’m not sure can be found while searching. At times, I feel so sure of myself and of my place in the Universe. I feel sure of who I am, where I am and of the things I want to do with my life. But for some reason, that’s become less clear to me lately. All the lessons I’ve learned and tried to teach others have suddenly become blurry and I feel less sure of myself than I have been in a very long time. At times like this it’s difficult for me to identify the things I need to begin doing until I can identify the things I need to stop doing. So, let’s start with the bad habits I’ve fallen into as of late:

1. Relying on others for my own happiness. I’ve preached, had preached to me and read the preaching about happiness coming only from within, yet lately, I’ve been searching for it everywhere BUT there. I’ve felt happier around certain people in my life and assumed that they’ve been the reason for my happiness. So, when I start to flounder and feel lost, I begin reaching for them with an unrecognizable desperation that feels foreign to me. And then, more often than not, that desperation has the exact opposite effect, essentially pushing them away while leaving me gasping for air wondering how I ended up on this deserted island all by myself. Answer? I put myself there. I am the one who decides at each given moment whether to be happy or not. Don’t get me wrong, I choose happy more often than not, but I also choose annoyance, aggravation, anger and disappointment when the mood strikes. I don’t need anyone else but me. Any feelings of happiness, joy and contentment I get from being with others is created not by outside forces, but only from within. Holding onto someone, or the idea of someone, with the intent of making yourself happy only pushes you further away from the amazing happiness you bring when you decide to be happy. It’s neither an action, nor a reaction… It’s simply an everyday choice.

2. Not letting go of when it’s time to move on. This can be in regards to relationships, old patterns and ideas or even anger, hurt and resentment. Every situation, person and hardship in your life was there for a reason. Holding on to things as they were in the past doesn’t transport you back to that time but rather robs you of the ability to see the amazing things around you today. I believe the Universe takes things away from you so something better can come into your life. Unfortunately, we think we know better than the Universe. So, instead of letting go of the thing, person or situation that doesn’t serve us any longer, we hold on to it because of what it once brought us. By doing this, we aren’t allowing ourselves to see other fantastic things that are out there, waiting to be discovered.

3. Not trusting the Universe. Before I get into this one, let me explain what I mean when I talk about the ‘Universe’. Everyone has different definitions of what their higher power is to them. When I say Universe, to me, it encompasses all religions, gods and other deities. To me, it’s a single word that describes the unknowable yet constant presence of a higher power that is at once indescribable yet always felt. It’s what’s in all of us, around all of us and is all of us. If you want to call it God, feel free. If you want to call it Bob, feel free. Now, back to my point…

I haven’t been trusting the Universe as I once did, nor as I should. If I truly believe (and I do), the I am loved, I will be taken care of and I have purpose here, then why am I constantly questioning? If someone is taken out of my life, why do I not trust that it’s so someone better can come along? If something isn’t working out as I had hoped, why can’t I trust that it’s because it’s not supposed to work out? Coco Chanel once said, “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.” Step back and realize that the Universe didn’t put a door there for a reason. The Universe will, and always has, provided for me. If I take a chance and fail, it only puts me one failure closer to where I’m supposed to be. I need to trust and know that I will always be taken care of.

4. Not being grateful for the things I already have in my life. Although I can outwardly say I’m grateful, I don’t really take the time anymore to mentally say “Thank you” for the blessings I currently have in my life. I am so incredibly blessed with an amazing life! At times my blessing are so abundant that I start to take it for granted. I’m rushing through life so much, a week, a month or a year go by without even realizing it. Taking a few minutes every day to just say “Thank you for this” leaves me feeling refreshed, grateful and more importantly, present. Life is beautiful. And amazing. I don’t want to take one bit of it for granted.

I’m going to continue soul-searching and I’ll let you know what I find. I can’t guarantee I’ll blog on a daily basis, but I promise I’ll write with honesty and at the frequency my mind allows. I still appreciate and am grateful for all of your support. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

What’s making me smile right now:

One of the funniest text exchanges I’ve seen in quite a while.

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