Originally published 5/7/2012
4:04am. That’s what time I woke up this morning. I don’t have any pressing engagements, any deadlines looming, anything worrying me right now nor do I have any other reason to be up at this ungodly hour. Nonetheless, I woke up with an underwhelming feeling of discontent. I feel as if my life is speeding by at a breakneck pace and I am not accomplishing anything in it. Time flies by so quickly it makes my head spin. It’s Monday morning already and before I know it, the weekend will be here. The weeks turn over quicker and quicker and the years accumulate without me realizing it. Next weekend, I will be 34 years old and at times (like 4:04 in the morning), I feel like I haven’t done much with these precious years.
I’m not sure what it is I’m striving to accomplish. I know I want to make a difference. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to feel satisfied with what I’ve done in this life. Stepping back and looking at things logically, I know I’ve probably already made a difference to someone and I know happiness comes from within and is a mindset I can decide on right now. Yet, I still feel a sense of unease and dissatisfaction. Do you ever feel like life is just moving forward and you’re essentially in the same place (more or less) than you were a few years ago? I guess I thought by my mid-thirties I would’ve cured cancer, won the powerball or at least met George Clooney. None of these things have happened yet. At 4:04am I feel so mortal. I feel like I have such a short time left and I’m not even sure what I want to accomplish with it.
As the morning sun starts to rise, I am able to take better mental control of my thoughts and the things I realize about life are the things I already know and tell people every day: Take chances. Love. Choose to be happy. Stop caring what others think. Enjoy each moment. The negative voice in your head is a liar. Celebrate life. And if you wake up at 4:04am feeling a sense of unease, get up and change that unease to something more pleasant. Even by writing this I feel more accomplished than I did a short time ago. I choose my emotions, my feelings and my life. Why would I choose anything less than what I deserve? Sometimes it takes a serious effort to change where your mind is at… Like it did this morning.
What’s making me smile right now: